Not Knowing How to Help

Life throws all sorts of curveballs at you. Some you expect, some you don't. If anything in my last 23 years, I've learned to expect the unexpected.

My boyfriends Mom is dying. She was diagnosed three years ago with melanoma. It's the deadliest form of skin cancer. They removed the spot they found, she went through a year of chemo, hoping that it had vanished. But just on schedule, she relapsed. (I don't think that's the word they used though.) They found that the cancer has now spread to her lymphnodes, which is basically an express rail to the rest of her body. Her lungs now have many lessions, which will eventually undoubtedly effect her breathing. They've also found a spot on her skull.

Last September they gave her a year to a year and a half.

It's been eight months.

For the past eight months, I've been expecting the day to come when he would just break down. As more time passed, I secretly dreaded it more, because I knew it would be bad. That night came last night.

I came home right afer work, and found him washing dishes and his eyes completely swollen with tears. It took him two seconds after me wrapping my arms around him, for him to start sobbing. It took probably about half an hour for him to start talking.

"This could be her last mothers day, birthday, summer...."

"She always wanted to go to Disney World... and now that she has, will she give up?"

"The chemo they're putting her on won't stop it, they said it won't... instead it will hopefully slow it down but she'll be in pain for months...."

"What if they think I don't care because I can't cry in front of them... because I can't show my emotion..."

"What will my dad do?"

"I hate to say it, but I wonder who of my friends will actually show up to the funeral..."

"I need to buy a suit..."

"My mother is dying..."

For once in my life, me, big mouth Stef, had no idea what to say. I just stood there and let him find the words through his tears.

Eventually, when the crying subsided, I found a way to talk to him, but the only truth I could offer was the fact that I had no idea what to say. I told him that just as much as he needs his family right now, that they need him too. His father, his brothers, his sister. So I reminded him that I would be there every step of the way if he wants me. I would back away if he needed that too. But that right now, since I have never lost a parent, I couldn't relate. I could listen, and hug, and be there... but maybe he should spend some time with the people going through the same thing as him, and maybe find some comfort in it too... maybe figure out that he's not the only one going through this.

God I love him. I love his family. I love his Mom. And my heart

Sometimes I cry to myself over this whole thing. But last night, though I held a little boy crying in my arms that his mommy was dying... I had the strength to be strong.

There's really no way to end this blog other than saying that last night was a break down, and in turn a break through...

Expect the unexpected.