How does Happiness Equate to Immaturity?

The other day someone who I know and love said I had alot of growing up to do. Now granted, at any stage of life, there's alot of growing up that's to be done. No matter what age, growing up is just a natural thing that you never get rid of. 80 year olds think the 40 year olds have some growing up to do. And 40 year olds think that 20 year olds have some growing up to do. And ofcourse, 20 year olds think that ... well anyone under the age of 20 has some growing up to do.

When I heard that, it actually sparked my curiostiy. I had to know what caused them to say that. Well, after some investigative work, I found out that I'm apparently... TOO happy. What? I'm being penalized for being happy? As if it's impossible for someone to be THAT happy all the time.. (believe it or not, that's not the first time I've heard that...) So as a brief testamonial to myself, I'm going to say this. For those of you that I work with, who I communicate with, who I visit rarely or even often... chances are that until you have lived with me, you know me... but I don't KNOW me.

I could say without a doubt that a few people really know me, and what I've been through, how I've matured, and what stage of life I'm at. That would include my immediate family, my bestfriend Stacey, a couple of people from HIghschool, and Kyle. Now this isn't to imply that I don't trust or love most of you, but until you've lived with me, you just don't know. Just as, might I add, I have no idea what's going on with or in your life until I've been submerged in it. Until then, you're just a couple of funny quips, some hi how are yous, dinners, drinks, and good times... which isn't to diminish my relationship with you... but if you were to stop and think about who in your life knows more about you compared to others, you would understand what I'm saying.

What you DO know about me, is that I'm happy. I'm outgoing. I can talk to just about anyone. I talk entirely too much for my own good. My mind wanders mid-sentence for no apparent reason. I over think things or under think things depending on my mood and their rate of importance and I can be extremely happy and hyper for no apparent reason. Believe it or not, I think that most of those characteristics are actually quite common amongst most people depending on their mood. I, however, pretty much live in this permanant mood that gives me what you just read. What can I say... I am happy, the world interests me, and I rarely let things get me down in the dumps. I thought that was pretty admirable.

But apparently my sporadic thinking and spastic smiling means that I'm incapable of figuring out what I would like to do with my life, which politician to vote for, or how to hold my fork. I just don't understand why, just because I prefer to play, instead of sitting there with my legs crossed like a lady, that I'm so darn immature?! I don't think I am. And honestly, if I have to sit there with my legs crossed and talk about the weather in order to make you think that I'm mature... then think I'm immature for all I care. Because I would rather be myself and be happy then act in a fashion to satisfy your needs.

My viewpoint is this... Maturity isn't being serious ALL of the time... Maturity is knowing when to be serious and when to be silly. And, situation appropriate, I will play all I want.

Sarah Toller

http://que-sarah-sarah.blogspot.com/

Tuesday morning, June 12th, a woman that I never met died. It's amazing how much it has effected me. Sarah Toller, at the age of 30 has passed away from melignant melanoma. The same thing that my soon to be mother-in-law is fighting.

I started reading her blog about six months ago. And I read it religiously. Infact, it's listed as one of my favorites that I visit during my routine of gmail, facebook, myspace, Sarah. She was such a spirit. So ... HAPPY, despite the circumstances that she was going through. She gave me insight to how people who suffer from it feel. I know I try...

I have to stop myself because I don't know what to say. Sarah died... it breaks my heart in so many ways. For her husband/bestfriend Derek, her family, all of us faithful readers, but also for myself because I know the sadness I feel now for a woman I don't even know... will be multiplied by numbers unknown when I experience this for myself.

My words can't do this justice today, my mind is too scattered to focus.

To her family, which consists of blood, spiritual and online... my condolences to all. In a strange way, I feel I'm a better person for knowing (of) her.

http://que-sarah-sarah.blogspot.com/

I'm a crappy friend...

I can be a crappy friend. That’s not to insinuate that I’ve been a crappy friend to you. And I’m not asking for a “No you’re not” compliment. It’s the truth, I’ve been a crappy friend and I’ve lost some really good people because of it.

I think my problem is this. I grew in Texas, moved to Ohio, and then back to Texas. I stayed in both places long enough to make close friends, friends that I care about, and then I up and moved on all of them. That part wouldn’t be so bad if I had just stayed in touch. I would promise to call, to write, and I wouldn’t. And because of that, people who cared, people who legitimately cared about me, are out of my life. I think you can only say “I’m sorry” so many times.

I’m forgetful. And I know what most people say “Only about things you don’t really care about.” But that’s not true in my case. I forget about everything. If I wasn’t currently eating breakfast right now, I would forget what I was eating and you all know I love food! If it wasn’t for a set Monday-Friday schedule, I’d forget that I’d have to work. YES, when I worked in restaurants, I forgot all the time. I forget my keys all the time, I don’t know where I put them down at… my badge for work… seriously, if it’s possible to have gotten lost… I’ve lost it.

And in this case, I’ve lost a couple of close friends; two guys in particular, who through a matter of coincidence, I met. They went to the “other” highs school, but we still made time to hang out with each other. No matter who were dating, or where life would bring us, there was a group of us who I can say were some of my favorite friends in High School.. They are both GREAT guys who deserve nothing but the best. When I was down they would lift me up. They were friends that I was lucky to have.

And as I drift through myspace world… I see that they’re doing good. That their life’s are full of wonderful people who love them. And though my life is more than blessed with a wonderful man who I love to death and many great friends throughout my life… a part of me still misses the swimming pool and peanut butter toast days… the camping… getting me drunk for my first time… the friendship. So if you’re reading this, though I doubt you will, I miss you. I know I suck at keeping up with friendships, especially long distance… but just know, you were some of the good ones, if not great.

Fish Out of Water

Well I have some news... the "Flippin Fish" as he was so popularly call has been retired. No not dead... he just doesn't do tricks anymore. AND NOT FOR THE LACK OF TRYIN!

For those of you who have no earthly idea what I'm talking about, I have a fish... named "Fish" and he likes to jump out of the water like a dolphin! All I have to do is hold my fingers right above the water and he'll jump up to touch it. He knows if he does this, that he'll get food. So this has been a long running tradition in our house. He jumps like a "flippin fish" and I giggle like a school girl.

The other night however, I screamed blood murder when he jumped so high and hard that he slammed against my hand and fell about 4 1/2 feet to the ground and started floppin all over the ground in our kitchen. Thankfully the "survival" insticts that I had been harboring for the fish, kicked in, and I scooped him up with two hands and carefully put him back into the water.It was tramatic... for both of us.

What if our cats had gotten to him? I think I would have then cried like a school girl.

Needless to say, the tricks are over. I open the lid quickly and drop the food promptly so he doesn't have time to jump before being distracted by the tasty treats... poor thing...

Anyways, if you got to see the trick, consider yourself lucky, for this will happen no more. FYI

Pizza and Domino's.

Last night we went over to his parents house to visit. We grabbed her favorite pizza and it was a good evening. We ate pizza and played domino's. One thing I wanted to mention is that there is a very very deep tension between Kyle's Father and Mother.

I can understand both sides. His father doesn't want to lose the wife who's been by his side all these years... so he wants to try anything and everything. But his mother doesn't want to put her body through too much having already been through a round of chemo and been down this path before. In the middle of dinner last night, her frustration came out as her husband mentioned other treatments if this next round of chemo doesn't slow it down like they hope. And she said "The fact of the matter is, we can't stop it. I am going to get sicker. This is going to get worse, and I am going to die."

The room fell silent for God knows how long. She went on to explain, without tears in her eyes amazingly, that she's not going to keep reaching out for different handles to hold on to. If it doesn't work, she's going to take the time she's given, and pass when it's time.

My heart went out to both of them. I had no idea what to say. Thankfully, I have no idea how, but we all got away from the subject and the harsh truth. But it's moments like that when I'm speechless. When I have no idea what to say or do, and I just sit there, dumbfounded.

When the guys went out side, I did get a moment with her when she started to cry because she understands that her husband doesn't want to lose her, but she doesn't want to hold on to all these hopeless dreams, because the fact of the matter is that she IS going to die...

God, I don't know if this is exactly what this blog is for, my sappy story for day to day. But it's just so real. When you're younger and your grandparents start passing, you realize down the road... that that means that you're parents are next. But to have to watch it? It's just so heart breaking for everyone involved.

Not Knowing How to Help

Life throws all sorts of curveballs at you. Some you expect, some you don't. If anything in my last 23 years, I've learned to expect the unexpected.

My boyfriends Mom is dying. She was diagnosed three years ago with melanoma. It's the deadliest form of skin cancer. They removed the spot they found, she went through a year of chemo, hoping that it had vanished. But just on schedule, she relapsed. (I don't think that's the word they used though.) They found that the cancer has now spread to her lymphnodes, which is basically an express rail to the rest of her body. Her lungs now have many lessions, which will eventually undoubtedly effect her breathing. They've also found a spot on her skull.

Last September they gave her a year to a year and a half.

It's been eight months.

For the past eight months, I've been expecting the day to come when he would just break down. As more time passed, I secretly dreaded it more, because I knew it would be bad. That night came last night.

I came home right afer work, and found him washing dishes and his eyes completely swollen with tears. It took him two seconds after me wrapping my arms around him, for him to start sobbing. It took probably about half an hour for him to start talking.

"This could be her last mothers day, birthday, summer...."

"She always wanted to go to Disney World... and now that she has, will she give up?"

"The chemo they're putting her on won't stop it, they said it won't... instead it will hopefully slow it down but she'll be in pain for months...."

"What if they think I don't care because I can't cry in front of them... because I can't show my emotion..."

"What will my dad do?"

"I hate to say it, but I wonder who of my friends will actually show up to the funeral..."

"I need to buy a suit..."

"My mother is dying..."

For once in my life, me, big mouth Stef, had no idea what to say. I just stood there and let him find the words through his tears.

Eventually, when the crying subsided, I found a way to talk to him, but the only truth I could offer was the fact that I had no idea what to say. I told him that just as much as he needs his family right now, that they need him too. His father, his brothers, his sister. So I reminded him that I would be there every step of the way if he wants me. I would back away if he needed that too. But that right now, since I have never lost a parent, I couldn't relate. I could listen, and hug, and be there... but maybe he should spend some time with the people going through the same thing as him, and maybe find some comfort in it too... maybe figure out that he's not the only one going through this.

God I love him. I love his family. I love his Mom. And my heart

Sometimes I cry to myself over this whole thing. But last night, though I held a little boy crying in my arms that his mommy was dying... I had the strength to be strong.

There's really no way to end this blog other than saying that last night was a break down, and in turn a break through...

Expect the unexpected.

The Future

Why am I so focused on the future? I can imagine people asking me that. The honest truth? Because now isn't so interesting.

Why am I so focused on the future? I want to know what I’ll be when I grow up. Granted right now I have a kick ass job that I LOVE, but who knows, a year from now I could hate it. I want to know when I’m going to get married. I live a married life right now, the bank accounts are virtually the same, we live together, everything but our last names and naked wedding fingers screams married. And honestly, the latter of the two has really been consuming a lot of my thoughts.

Why?

Well it’s the wedding season, that’s why. And I am directly or indirectly related to TEN weddings this year. TEN. That’s got to be abnormal.

Side note: I was supposed to get married this year myself. I’m glad I gave back the ring though… we’re both better off in our new relationships and as people.

It is the ooberly girl thing to do to get all wrapped up in this wedding drama. I try not to be, but the man I’m with right now seems to be taking me on this emotional rollercoaster that he swears he isn’t leading me on. But he’s lying.

It seems like when it’s convenient for him to talk about our future, the possibility of children, purchasing a home, and getting married, everything’s dandy. I get butterflies in my tummy and think about that it's REALLY possible!

But heaven forbid I bring it up! I bring it up, and his voice changes to this “she’s pressuring me….” Attitude. I think it’s total crap, and I tell him that when the thought pops into my head.

Right now we’re not really talking to each other because of that.

Which really is quite stupid if you ask me.

But we’re all allowed to be stupid and childish sometimes right?

But seriously, WHY do I want to get married? How would it be any different? We DO already live together, our bank accounts are connected, our car insurance is one account... everything seems like we're already married. The difference? Well it would be official! We would stop living "in sin" and make this promise that we've already made to eachother REAL. We could celebrate and join our families! Why does ANYONE want to get married?

I don't have answers for any of this. There is no concrete reason why I want to get married now as opposed to later. But the fact of the matter is that I DO. I do want to say "I do" and become Stefanie (enter boyfriends last name here).

But unforunately, he's holding all the cards, and he knows it.

UGH

Thought for the day:
“Maturity” isn’t knowing everything. It’s realizing that I know NOTHING.

When Did this Stop Being a Free Country?

So, just like most people who work in an office, I listen to music while I'm at work. Yesterday a song by the Dixie Chicks came on entitled "Not Ready to Make Nice" Most of you have probably heard this song. After listening to the lyrics I realized what this song was actually about. I had my ideas, but I decided to ask a friend what they thought first.

So I did. Her response? "Talking sh*t about the president."

WHAT? Yeah, that's not what I thought.But I did think it was about the incident a while back, which made many stores and radio stations ban the Dixie Chicks from their airwaves and shelves. Natalie Maines, I think that's her name, made a comment while in London quite a while ago, stating that she was embarrassed to be from the same state as her President. I don't know if that's exactly what she said, but that's the idea behind it. And ofcourse, the media went into a frenzy stating that she was "unsupportive" of her president, and should be ashamed to be so "un-american".

Un-American? Isn't one of the freedoms that we American's enjoy, our Freedom of Speech? So how is it that when expressing her opinion, she became un-American? People speak out about the War, about our President, about anything and everything that they want to speak out about, at award shows, news broadcasts, newspaper articles and in protests. But Natalie Maines, makes one comment, and all of the sudden SHE'S the Un-American one?

Note:Though I'm not a fan of our President, or the war, I am willing to recognize that I have no idea what it's liking being him. And since I am smart enough to know that what the media broadcasts is greatly skewed, I'm not going to start ranting about the truth. My only opinion about the whole subject, is it would be awfully hard to just pull out and send everyone home after all that has happened. But then again that's only an opinion, not gospel.

Aaaaaaaaand we're back...

Why is it speaking your opinion is so blatantly untollerable? Granted, this IS a free country, so Walmart has every right to take any actions they feel, just because the rotation of the earth throws them in that direction. But the outwardly hatred towards someone because of their opinion, and stating that speaking their opinion is a travesty, is just plain ridiculous if you ask me.

Guess what people? Natalie Maines is HUMAN. Therefore she has feelings and emotions, and just because she makes more money than everyone I know combined, doesn't mean that she has forfeited her right to express those feelings. No one attacks Eminem for talking about killing Kim. Though people do say that they don't like it, I don't know a single radio station that has banned "Smack That" because of it.

Maybe there's a big part of the picture that I'm not seeing. Someone told me that it wasn't so much that they were against her saying that, but that she wasn't supporting her country while she was abroad. SHE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT HER COUNTRY! She said something about the President! She, along with half this country, does not like the president! Who cares? That's her God AND Constitutionally given right!

But like I said, since this is a free country and we all DO enjoy our freedom of speech, go ahead and hate her for it, and publically denounce her because of it. And I, in return, will enjoy MY freedom of speech and tell YOU that you're an idiot.

But I happen to have lots of idiot friends, so no worries, we can still hang out.